This week I taught my boys how to ski... I hadn't planned on being the teacher, but you can read more about that HERE...
So, this was the first time I have been back on skis since having children and packing on 50 additional pounds. I was so excited to get back on a mountain. I grew up in a ski resort and have been skiing since I learned to walk. I had the rare privilege of not only ski racing until moving away in High School, but I also went to a school that went skiing for P.E. I learned at an early age that the closest place to God is on top of a snow covered mountain on a sunny day without a cloud in the sky, and that one of the most exhilarating feelings in the world is flying down a mountain on skis.
So, back to this week... I had to do several things that reminded me of just how much my body has changed... Like buy XL Ski pants because my old ones didn't fit... Like write my weight down on the rental ski form... Like struggle to not be completely out of breath while bending over to buckle my ski boots.
But the most profound moment came on the mountain. Noah was having an all out temper tantrum and he and David were about 40 yards higher than me on the ski slope. Once it became apparent that I was the only one that he was going to respond to, I side stepped up to them and sat down in the snow with him until he calmed down. We got things straightened out and it was time to get up so that we could carry on with our run.
BUT, there was one problem... I couldn't get myself up. My skis were still on and I tried at least five times to pull myself up with my poles, but there was just no way it was going to happen... The fact was that I was just too heavy to make a maneuver like that without taking my skis off, standing up and putting them back on. I looked a bit like this...
NEVER in all of my years on skis had I EVER had a moment like this. I have always fought my weight, but was always agile and limber enough to remain athletic in winter sports. It was really difficult and truth be told, really embarassing.
Many questions came to mind
How could I get to this point?
How could I allow this to happen?
Why can't I say no to food?
What happened to me?
You may be thinking that was the defining moment, but it wasn't... The defining moment came after the mountain, after the questions, after the discussion with David about what had happened... It came when I was able to get quiet with myself and truly look at where I am at. The moment was this....
Gratitude that I am now on a journey to move past moments like that.
Gratitude that I am pushing my body to limits I have never experienced as I train for a half marathon.
Gratitude that I am finally choosing to honor my body.
Gratitude that I am surrounded by like-minded women at the Sisterhood who are on similar journeys .
Gratitude for the knowledge that I will never again experience that moment on a ski slope because next year when I get back on skis, my body will be much lighter.
Gratitude for the amazing self-awareness that I am choosing to REALLY SEE.
I can't wait until next winter. I can't wait to write a new story. I can't wait to see the results of all of this hard work!
***Oh and two days later, I walk/ran 4 miles at 5200 feet above sea level, in the wind...in under an hour... That is something that makes me proud and something that allows me to marvel at the strength of my body...