Putting It All Out There - Exposed

I had never heard of The Exposed Movement until this week.

Everyone has been much a twitter about the one year anniversary of the beginning of this amazing movement.  It has given incredible individuals, like Roni & Mrs. Fatass the permission and freedom to "let it all hang out" and embrace the bodies they have been gifted with and that have supported and carried them through their life's journeys.

Some of my greatest mentors and friends from The Sisterhood have joined in and exposed themselves as well.  At first, I thought "oh, yeah, I can do this... especially if all of these women whom I respect so much are doing it too.  Then, as the day went on and I thought more and more about it, the reality of "putting it all out there" became much more real and I thought seriously about whether or not to go forward.  The conclusion I came to was that it was a logical next step in my amazing journey to accept, love and honor myself and the body that God gave me.

So, here I go...

I have had a love/hate relationship with my body for almost as far back as I can remember.  The first seven years of my life were carefree with little thought about my body other than the fact that I insisted on always wearing dresses (even in the 20 degree winter days of Colorado).  During second grade, my parents separated and my body became my battlefield and the recipient of much self-imposed abuse in the form of eating.  Rather than expressing my fear, sadness, sorrow and anger in their natural forms, I ate to numb the pain and to give myself the strength to be the caretaker and mother to my own mother who was crumbling before my eyes.  Fortunately, my parents reconciled and remain married to this day.  Unfortunately, damage was done and negative patterns emerged.

In the beginning, I just became the "chubby girl".  I went to fat camp, participated in sports and tried my best to live up to the skinny expectations that I knew my father had for me.  I decided in my mind that his love was conditional and depended on my being a certain weight - a weight that always seemed to be an enigma.  (We have done much work throughout my adulthood to repair much of this, and currently are closer than ever...).  I yo-yo'd up and down through high school and college.  I read books and I did counseling, but the pattern of eating my emotions still exists and I think will always be present in my life, but hopefully not in control of my life.

Ironically, my greatest challenge in learning to love my body has come in my marriage.  I always had the fairytale dreams of being completely vulnerable and comfortable before my husband and dreamed of being unabashedly open with my body.  Funny thing, once married, the REAL work began.  I married a man who love, love, loves every inch of my body and every fiber of my being - AMAZING, right?  Right... Well, it is amazing if you are willing to embrace and accept it.  I have officially spent ten years learning to do just that because nothing about it has come natural to me.  I am learning from him about unconditional love and appreciation for my body and my soul in EVERY SINGLE FORM they take and at every stage in life.  Another curious observation... I have come the farthest in acceptance of my body over the past couple of years - a period of time that I have weighed more than ever.

Going through and living to tell about my dark winter has given me new appreciation for the here and now.  Being dependent upon medication that has made it very difficult for me to release weight has forced me to come to an acceptance of what I look like HERE and NOW.  Being in touch with the fragility of life on a daily basis through my work, has caused me to stop wallowing in my own self-pity and self-loathing and appreciate who I am and what I have.

Finding the Sisterhood has pushed me to new levels in terms of what my body is capable of.  After finishing a half marathon at 200 pounds, my belief in myself and in the beauty of my body soared to new heights.  And so here I am, embracing my body and another funny thing... finding my way through releasing and letting go of the pounds.

This is the beautiful body, given to me by God and NOW it is the body that I am daily choosing to honor, respect and embrace...

This is the same bikini I bought and wore on my honeymoon (but was too embarrassed to share pictures of me wearing - at a weight that I would today be giddy to weigh!).  The same bikini that I will put on again when I reach my goal weight to see how far I have come.

This is the body that allows me to compete with athletes half my size, simply because I push it and ask it to do so.

This is the body that allows me to work on my feet every day, being at the bedside of families in their worst nightmare, lifting them up and carrying them through the journey.

This is the body that created, carried, gave birth to and nourished the two pieces of my heart named Sam and Noah.

This is the body that allows me to laugh until I snort and to cry and grieve with others in pain.

 This is the body that carried me 13.1 miles across the finish line of my first Half Marathon. 

This is the body that will allow me to complete 3 Half Marathon's in a year.


This is the body that continues to carry and support me even though I abuse it.

This is the body that allows me to dance for hours.

This is the body that hugs others and accepts love in return.

This is the body that God Gave me

and

THIS IS THE BODY I CHOOSE TO LOVE & EMBRACE

Shrinkvivor weigh-in #2

What a week this has been!  I am so excited about SHRINKVIVOR!

I am so lucky to be part of an awesome tribe...

We are rocking already!

  
Moxie Maroon Mavens,

How is that for a name!  These are some super gals, who are motivating me and challenging me daily.  I am so proud of our tribe!

This was a pretty darn amazing week... I accomplished a HUGE milestone and broke through YET ANOTHER WALL!  I LOVE a challenge and when I found out that the fitness challenge was a miles challenge, I was excited!  Then, I had to step back and realize JUST how much my life had already changed... I, Tiffany Zook, was excited about a MILES challenge?!?!  What on earth was that?!?! I have come so far... I set out to knock it out of the park and I did!  My total miles between Thursday morning and last night:

24  TWENTY FOUR!!!

On the eating front, I did pretty well.  I have really watched my portions and water, oh the water... I have been drinking enough water to propel me across the ocean afloat.  100 + ounces every day to be exact!  I have also been watching my sugar intake.  Those things combined with the exercise have made for a successful week.

I am looking into some medically supervised eating plans, doing research and weighing the benefits of going that route given the fact that much of my weight gain and difficulty losing is medication related.  Until having medication related weight gain, I never had any difficulty losing weight when I wanted.  I dropped 40 pounds after my first son in less than six months without much struggle and was still able to "indulge" here and there without much impact.  I am currently at FOUR years of carrying 60 extra pounds from the weight I was at after my first son, 50 of which packed on within several months of going on medication for post-partum anxiety/depression.  I have tried WW, calorie counting, South Beach, Blood Type Diet with an average of 1-3 pound loss in the first month to six weeks.  The only positive has been that I seem to have mastered maintaining my weight give or take 5 pounds... Just not the optimal weight. I finally found success using an appetite/craving control supplement with following a low carb/low calorie (1200/day) eating plan combined with training for my first half marathon and dropped 19 pounds over the course of six months.  This was great, but slow, slow.  I know the saying... slow and steady wins the race... Yeah, yeah, yeah.  I also know how this 197 pound body feels running.  It feels like I am carrying another person with me.  I have been making incredible strides with my speed and breathing, being able to run at and 11-12 minute/mile pace... as long as I continue on with my walk intervals.  I am mentally ready to drop the walk intervals... My body just isn't seeming able to maintain the pace.  It is a lot to ask of my frame carrying this much extra.

Anyway, all that ramble to say that I am looking at a medically supervised program that incorporates a similar medication to the supplement I was taking before.  This program has been very successful for others with medication related weight gain.  Part of the program is a year of maintenance to assist/ensure that patients are supported to implement lasting/effective habits.  I have a few more questions to be answered before making a final decision, so stay tuned...

Here are my stats:

Starting Weight

215 lbs
Starting Weight for this Challenge
197.6

Today's Weight

196lbs

 (I can't believe I actually took a picture...)

Change from last week

-1.6lb 
(feel like it should have been more, given the exercise...)
Difference for the challenge
-1.6lb

Total Difference

 -19 lbs

 

Bittersweet Memories

This month has been a roller coaster of emotion.... I have gone from recognizing that my anxiety and depression were rearing their heads, to treating it accordingly, to feeling some relief, to now being stuck in a place of measurable sorrow.

It started last Thursday... I was walking a patient, his mother and her friend to another area of the hospital when the mother's friend began to talk about her daughter with Down's Syndrome.  We were discussing how lovable and amazing children with Down's Syndrome are and my breathe was almost completely taken away as I was flooded with memories of one of my little angels who went to heaven at the end of last year.  He was three and had Down's Syndrome.  What kept replaying in my mind was the way he would greet me every time he came to the clinic.  My desk sits directly back from the patient check-in area, so all I have to do is turn around to see who is coming and going.  As soon as he would walk through the door, I would turn around and start walking that direction.  He would run into my arms while blowing kisses to me.  He was a GIANT tiny little ball of love.  All love and all charm... He would blow kisses to me every time we saw each other.   

I miss those kisses, I miss seeing his smiling face and I miss the fact that I didn't get to see him grow up.  

I have been flooded with memories of many of my sweet angels.  Unfortunately, the nature of my job is sometimes tragic and deeply sad.  Children are not supposed to die before their parents and while we cure so many more than we don't (80%), we still send far to many on to heaven.  I have learned over the years how to deal with the loss and what I need to do in order to continue to do this sacred work... my calling... one of the reasons I am on this earth.  I pray a lot, I allow the tears to flow when necessary, I exercise, I treasure the time I have with my own children, I honor their memories and tell the beautiful stories of their lives to those who want to hear, and I remain connected to their families.  

Since the beginning of this year and the start of all of the turmoil at work, I have been largely in survival mode, doing my best to help hold a practice together in the midst of transition.  I haven't really taken the time to grieve a couple of our recent losses (patients that I was the primary nurse for) and for some reason it has become clear that NOW is that time.  One of whom was my sweet little guy above... 

Another was a lively little girl that fought long and hard for several years.  She was wise beyond her young years and she lit up every room she entered.  She was brutally honest in every moment... including the time she clicked her hearing aids off when she didn't want to hear her mom's answer to a request.  She was an absolute gift to her family and to all of us.  She predicted how she would go to heaven a couple of weeks before she did and we all agreed that the party really got started in heaven on the day she arrived.  I miss seeing her strut into the office and I miss all of her "one-liners"...

In many ways I feel like both of these angels have been sitting on my shoulder beckoning me to remember... beckoning me to grieve... beckoning me to shed the tears I didn't shed months ago.  AND, reminding me to appreciate life.  Reminding me to appreciate my children and their near perfect health. Reminding me to cherish the smiles, hugs and fun.  Reminding me how important my work is and how important my role in these kiddos and their families lives is.  Reminding me that I really am human.  Reminding me that while important to temper and control, emotion is an important part of life.

So, tonight I did what I often do... I rented a movie that I knew would call forth my tears.  It may sound strange, but sometimes the best way to let the flood gates fly open is for me to watch a show or a movie that I know will "hit home"... I spend so much time keeping it all in check and controlled, that it can be difficult for me to release the emotions.  Cry and cry some more is where I wound up... And here I am, sharing my story.

I know that many of you may have incredible difficulty fathoming why and how I do what I do... voluntarily.  It is an honor, and the best way to describe it is that it is a part of me, a part of how God made me and a large part of my purpose on this earth.  One of the biggest lessons I learn daily is to really appreciate the gifts I have, the people in my life, my children and spouse.  I don't have a high tolerance for minutia and petty little things that so much energy is expended worrying about.

So, thank you for reading my ramblings and thank you for your support and encouragement over the past weeks.  I am continuing to find my way through it all.  Go hug your children and/or significant other.

Down & Dirty in 30 - Weigh-In #2

This week has been quite the rollercoaster of emotions.  I blog in depth about it HERE.  It was incredibly cathartic and cleansing to put it all out there.  I had a GREAT run on Sunday - 6 miles and really relaxed my expectations.  In doing so, I got great results and felt so good following.  My eating hasn't been stellar... Being in the middle of a medication change and starting my TOM, I have decided to cut myself some slack and give myself the grace I need in the area of eating.


You can check out my fabulous team the The Cute Calorie Cutting Challengers, HERE

Despite my eating, all of the exercise paid off!  Helllllllllllooooooooo 195!

Starting Weight

215 lbs
Starting Weight for this Challenge
196.2

Today's Weight

195 lbs

Change from last week

-1.2 lb
Difference for the challenge
-1.2 lb

Total Difference

 -20 lbs

 

Dark Winter

I have been a bit absent lately...

I have officially entered what I UNaffectionately call my Dark Winter.

I have entered my Dark Winter every summer for the past four years.  The heat of summer comes and I survive for the first month or so and then it catches up with me.  Each year I spend the spring gearing up and doing new things with hopes that the Darkness will be a bit lighter.  This year I began running and began to exercise more frequently and with greater intensity.  I also released nearly 20 pounds.  Unfortunately, it has been the most stressful winter and spring I have ever had at work.

So here I am... In the depths of my fourth Dark Winter...

Why four?

Four years ago, my life changed forever.  I went from being a busy, working mom of two boys and wife to an amazing husband one day, to being riddled with panic, anxiety and depression the next.  Literally overnight, my world fell apart and I entered a personal hell so fierce and so scary that there were moments that I wondered if I would make it to the other side.  I went 72 hours without more than an hour of continuous sleep and landed in the Emergency Room, believing they would help me.  I was wrong, the ER doctor ruled out a heart attack and pulmonary embolism, looked at me and said "Why are you so anxious?!?!", gave me something to help me sleep and a few days worth of Ativan.  That was it.  Two days later I made David take me to the psych unit at the hospital so that I could check myself in.  They wouldn't help me either because I wasn't suicidal or homicidal... Great... the reward for not wanting to hurt myself or anyone else was a list of psychiatrists that all had a minimum 2-3 week wait.  As almost an afterthought and really our last hope, we went to my family doctor (the one I had listed on my insurance but had never met). 

We walked into the clinic and both kept looking at each other wondering why we were there because no one had helped me yet, but at the same time we both desperately hoped that we soon would receive some answers.  THANK GOD, we went.  After spending almost 45 minutes going through what was happening and thoroughly through my medical history, the doctor (a resident, mind you...) looked at both of us and said the words that I hadn't anticipated hearing...

"I have no doubt you are dealing with Delayed Severe Post-Partum Anxiety"

What?!?!  My baby was eight months old... I had almost no baby blues after he was born... I thought that only happened in the early months... My hormones can cause THIS?!?!?!

He went on to explain that PP Anxiety/Depression can happen anytime in the first year after having a baby.  I am a nurse and this was news to me.  He said that before anything else, I needed to start medication.  The first medication I tried gave me horrible hot flashes, so a week later I started another medication and within another week they added a second medication to offset some of the "dopamine release" side effects I was having.  It was another two-three weeks before the "cloud lifted" and I started to feel some "flashes of me".

During this four weeks of medication adjustments and waiting for it to take effect, we moved in with my parents & I alternated my days between laying on the couch in David's office while he worked, unable to sleep because I was so jittery yet really unable to do much else because I was so tired, and going with the kids to their sitter, who took care of me along with the boys.  I became utterly dependent on others to make nearly every decision.  When I wasn't laying on the couch, I had loved ones making me walk... Walking really helped when the jitteryness increased.  I barely ate, and when I did, food really didn't have any taste.  I lost 15 pounds in the first two weeks.  I could barely interact with my children. 

To this day, I have very little recollection of anything having to do with the boys during that month, and because I am the family photographer, I have no pictures.

That was July 2006.... My first Dark Winter.

Things did get better.  Medication, exercise, prayer, counseling and loving/committed family & friends literally saved my life.  I gained a sense of appreciation of life and physical functioning that I had never known.  I learned to rest, to pace myself and to take care of myself in ways that I had never known.  I eased back into the work I love. Within six months I was able to take only one of the three medications I needed initially.

For most people with depression and anxiety, the cold, snow, less sunshine/daylight and endless time indoors triggers symptoms.  For me, the stifling heat, artificial air (air conditioning), lack of time outdoors triggers my symptoms.  Its like the opposite of seasonal affective disorder.  I have always struggled with heat and spending any extended period of time in a hot climate, but it has been immeasurably worse since 2006 and every summer I have to tweak my medication or take extra steps to keep from completely going crazy.

This is why I call the summer, My Dark Winter.

I am right in the middle of it. I started to have symptoms about a month ago, getting jittery before having to leave and go home from the cooler mountains where I spend my weekends... anticipating my return to the heat.  I have also been abnormally irritable and hormonal. Almost two weeks ago my doctor increased my medicine, so I hope to start feeling a bit more like my best me soon. I also cut my work week (same number of hours) to four days, so I could have an additional day up north.  In the meantime, I am exhausted, short fused and really want to eat all of my comfort foods.  I have continued to exercise, though my runs in the last week have been grueling.  My kids have been making me crazy and the littlest things set me off.  I feel like a failure at motherhood and marriage.

My husband told me two weeks ago that we may need to move.  I know it is agonizing for him to ride this roller coaster every summer and that he would do anything for me.  My first reaction was sorrow because I feel different enough as it is and to make a change that big, causing him to leave all that he has built with his ministry because of my health was too much for me to handle the thought of.  We have continued to discuss it and he challenged me to change my thinking to think in terms of the fact that he loves me so much that he would be willing to make any change necessary for me to be as healthy as possible.  Wow.  That is pretty amazing.  So I am thinking more and more about it.  For so long, I didn't want to think about living in a different city from may parents, but honestly, now that the boys are getting older, we depend less and less on them and the thought isn't nearly as scary.

So, here I am, trudging through the days... As the clouds lift and life returns to normal, I am committed to continue the discussion of a move, to return to the eating habits I know make me feel the healthiest and to continue my efforts as a competitive runner (can't believe I just typed that...).  For now, bear with me as I survive.  

Thank you, thank you, thank you to all my girlfriends at The Sisterhood... All of you in your own special way are making the days bearable and your endless words of encouragement, humor, banter and love mean more than you will ever know.